Debunking Myths

The guys over at Very Smart Brothas recently inquired about their readers’ dealmakers™. You know, the things about the opposite* sex that get your blood racing and you temperature (among other things) rise.

This was my list:

  1. Swagger – It’s inexplicable. I just know it when I see it. You got it or you don’t.
  2. Intelligence – Noted by the ability to hold a conversation about sex, politics, religion, whatever and hold your ground against opposing viewpoints without citing mass produced rhetoric or rehearsed unoriginal thoughts.
  3. Humor – The dry, witty, intelligent kind. With a just dash of silliness. I need someone who can enjoy movies like Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy as well as the latest Will Ferrell parody. I appreciate a sharp wit more than anything else. Wordplay is very sexy. (Kudos VSBs for the combination pun and double entendre… maybe VSB should stand for Very Sexy Brothas)
  4. Vocabulary – Any man who can articulate his thoughts extremely well is a turn on. The more syllables you can use without sounding pompous the better.
  5. The Voice – The Voice increases the probability that the answer to every question is “Yes.” It makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up and makes you want to lay down. – I like to believe the sound waves induce a particular biological response and send your hormones racing (like aural pheromones).
  6. Individuality – I’m a nonconformist myself. So I need someone who isn’t afraid to go against the grain with me.
  7. Reads for Pleasure – Reading is sooo sexy.* But only certain types of books… For instance, a man who is always reading self-help books is not attractive as he will appear weak.
  8. Music – A man who knows his music can get the panties. They come off even quicker if he’s well-versed about hip-hop prior to ‘96 and can make me relive those days when radio was relevant.
  9. The All-Important Mouthpiece – It’s magic! It incorporates #2, 3 and 4, is used to express #6, 7 and 8, is a dead giveaway of #5 and is a main component of #1. This will transform even the most average guy into a champion when used properly. (The ability to say the right thing at the right time is paramount.)

*Reading to me… even sexier.

I’m not going to petition you to do the same thing here. If you wanna express your thoughts, you should go to their site and join in the convo.

What I am going to to do is address the nonsense that some readers posted as their “must-haves”.

(When I say “address”, I really mean shatter their candy gumdrop dreams to pieces and by “some readers” I mean the females because men have a concrete understanding of what they want while women tend to create fictional characters or because they don’t know what they want, they come up with vague ideals.)**


“Tall”/”Taller than me”/”At least __ft__in”

Okay, on one hand I can see how height can be a turn on if you like someone towering over you and some people do equate size with strength and other measures of physical prowess, but to have an actual height requirement is ridiculous.

They may fear that a midget such as myself will wear the lining out of the sugarwallsNow these are some loose lips... or that they will just get scuffed up knees

“Sexual”

Really. Have you ever heard of an asexual man? Who doesn’t want someone sexual? This made absolutely no sense. You might as well have said “Sexual people turn me on.” – No shit Sherlock.

I’m heterosexual does that count?

“Caring/Giving”/”Genuine”/”Honest”/”Nurturing”

None of these are in anyway sexy. Desirable traits in a potential mate? Yes. Factors in getting the panties? No. Why you ask? Because these are things that you find out after you get to know someone and therefore do not contribute to the initial attraction.

I guess women wouldn’t like it if I threw a biscuit at you just for kicks. Does it count as caring if I don’t throw the stale biscuit?

“Has God in his life”/”Christian”/”Believes in a higher power”

Another trait that has absolutely no sex appeal. It’s important. But are your panties really gonna get moist hearing some guy recite passages from his dogmatic text or praying. Something about that is just creepy. Do you fantasize about Jesus too?

What if I said I was a fan of Big Baby Jesus?

“Drive a car with authority”

What. The. Fuck?

A man with sexy driving skills?

I cut people off in traffic everyday and I run over bike riders for fun. Helmet wearing pansies.

“Owns (no leases) a 2007-2008 BMW – Just jokes people (no gold digger)”

This reminds me of the girls in high school who would turn their heads whenever a car rode by with bass in the trunk. Childish. I mean are you that attracted to shiny things?

Even if it was meant in jest, I think there’s some truth in it. I mean it wasn’t “a guy in a nice car” it was very specifically owns a 2007-2008 BMW. And the whole, “no gold digger” statement… If you have to say “no gold digger”, you just might have gold digger tendencies.

“Men who don’t eat meat”

Does pussy count as meat? I’m a voracious carnivore.

“College Degrees”

I went to college with a lot of ugly assholes and they all had degrees and graduate schools are full of douchebags.

I think the only way you’d find a degree sexy was if you didn’t have one of your own or yours is some bullshit degree like Interdisciplinary Studies, in which case it may be more of an attraction to someone who had an actual professional goal and not necessarily the degree itself.

(I have to add that I did have a fetish for a certain major when I was in college but I wasn’t hanging around at graduation ceremonies trying to go home with anybody.)

I have a degree on Alcoholic Studies with a minor in Cannibis Sativa. I also studied the Art of the Cigarillo. Do you want to hold my balls?

“Have something of his own that he earned”/”Ambition”/”Accomplished”

All of these scream “I like shiny stuff.” and “Men with shiny stuff turn my head.”

What if all he’s earned is an Employee Of The Month certificate?

Impressive? Maybe.

Sexy? No.

Ambition – He could have ambitionz all right. Dope boy ambitions. Is that really what you want? I mean if it is, that’s okay. I guess. I won’t judge.

Accomplishments – while noteworthy, are again a gateway for douchebags. Why? I don’t really know. Maybe because ambitious men who’ve accomplished things know that women will trade sex for shiny things and act accordingly.

I own a Playstation 2? Is that not sexy?

“Family Oriented”/”Has friends and gets along with his family”

Really?

I don’t know about you but introverted orphans just do it for me. A man with no friends and no family… Mm mm mm… Tasty!

I haven’t cussed out my sister in about a few months…so that counts

“Fun to be with”/”Fun to be around”

Am I the only one that finds “bored out of my mind” the recipe for instant wetness. I can’t be the only one?

That’s the most generic thing I’ve ever heard. The bad part is I think a lot of these responses were driven by competition. You could have just listed one or two genuinely interesting things instead of saying something “no-frills” like someone who’s “fun to be around”.



* Or same sex. We don’t want to leave anyone out.

I like lesbians..hot lesbians not the burly ones

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~ by Deviant on April 14, 2008.

4 Responses to “Debunking Myths”

  1. Midgets really shouldn’t throw biscuits. You should use it to help with those alcoholic studies. Crown anyone? And the only reason why a guy would like a pretty lesbian is b/c they feel they can turn them out if not just for the time they are fucking. I be damn if I am looking for a nice looking gay man and trying to turn him out. Nasty fuckery. Go have sex with a burly lesbian – you might like it. LOL!

  2. I mentioned a height requirement, but I think I was sure to characterize it as more of a I would prefer holding (and being held by) someone whose head was at least chest height rather than waist.

    Those hugs are awkward.

    Keep in mind, this was a dealmaker list. For example, I could have put, name is Halle Berry on my list. That doesn’t mean I’d ignore every other woman in the world, just that if Halle came knocking on my door, she’d gain immediate entry.

    The other thing is you characterize dealmakers as fundamentally sexual or arousing in nature. Perhaps they edited the page after you read it, but I see “That got us thinking though, what are the things we do want in a mate” as asking what things if I could know them up front about a person would be enough for me to immediately consider the person for a long term relationship.

    Shameless self-promotion: http://kamakula.wordpress.com

  3. @NX – Everybody likes a pretty lesbian because everyone likes pretty people. Are you a burly lesbian? Is that an invitation? Send us a pic and we’ll get back to you.

    @kamakula – It sounds like you’re either a pretty tall guy or a pretty, tall lesbian. If the former is true, than the post really wasn’t aimed at you.

    But since you chose to jump in the way, we’ll hit you with these bullets:

    1. Your height requirement is one of ergonomics (your blog says you’re an engineer so you know what that means).

    2. Two things led us to the conclusion that these “dealmakers” were “sexual and arousing in nature.

    First, the MySpace bulletin from The Champ:

    NEW UPDATE today on verysmartbrothas.com

    “Bamboo Earrings, At Least Two Pair”…where panama jackson and dyoung (aka “the champ”) ask you to name a unique attribute in the opposite sex that gets you all hot and bothered

    Then there’s the tone of the initial post (you can re-read it at your leisure) and the question posed was “What are the things that draw you in every time?”.

    We have such remarkable reading comprehension skills that we were able to effortlessly READ BETWEEN THE LINES and infer that the discussion was about what enhances or insures the initial attraction.

    3. Promote yourself all you want. We have no shame and neither should you.

    Note: We do not fault our readers for their inferiority, you are but mere mortals. It cannot be helped. (No ego.)

  4. Ahh, the myspace angle. I for the most part try to avoid anything to do with myspace and it did not occur to me that VSB may use more than just their blog as a communications medium. So, I humbly stand here chastised.

    I suppose my height requirement is based on ergonomics but it goes on my list because I know without a doubt that every time, if I had to choose between otherwise identical 5’9 and 5’2 partners, I’d choose the taller one.

    As for the shame, or lack thereof. I specifically indicate that my self-promotion is shameless because when someone comes across it and thinks to themselves “wow, this kamakula person has no shame”, I want them to know that my response would be “damn right!”.

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