Deviant’s Log, Stardate 0420200.8.

Today is a truly a deviant holiday.

So we’ll keep is short because you should have better things to do, or not do, while you’re celebrating.

In honor of this 20th day in April, we will be reviewing were supposed review two classic films that appeal to the “botanist” in all of us… But we started the celebration a little bit early and well you know how that goes…

So instead I’d like to reminisce on my “first time”…

The year was 1999, the place was my first apartment. I shared it with two other bible-thumping prudish inexperienced girls that I’d befriended in college. So needless to say the living situation was so boring that my deviant nature led me to make friends with the most controversial person I knew. We’ll call her Betty*.

Betty was one of those people whose religious beliefs and sexual orientation were always in question. So of course, I knew right off that I would like her. At the time, I didn’t dabble in the greener scenery but I did drink** and hit a Black every-now-and-then. So one day, I decided that I was ready to take it to the next level…. The smoking that is… The rise and fall of my friendship with Betty is another story for another time. She taught me how to inhale using a Black for practice. And one day I was ready. So Betty, another friend Rob*, the Hookup and I all went back to my little room in the apartment I shared with two roommates, put a towel under the door and sparked up.

What happened next was more of a blur than any experience I’ve ever had drinking and I have been really, really, really, drunk before. I remember being watched like I was the main attraction. Mostly because it was my first time and I as in the presence of more experienced deviants. And I also remember at one point I found myself extremely thirsty and subsequently extremely hungry.*** But that’s about it.

The rest of the night is pretty much a blur. I do recall vaguely that Betty’s hookup wanted to “party” and I remember Rob wearing my bra on his head and then stealing it to show to his roommate.**** But mostly I remember laying on the floor – (I started out in an upright position and then the floor just started to feel sooo good, I had to lay down.) – watching everybody laugh at me and laughing to myself about how funny they were acting. Then I woke up and I think everybody was gone. Rob might have still been there but I can’t even remember for sure now.

Since then I’ve learned a few things:

  • Water is a necessity for me. I need lots and lots of water. No sugary stuff. Just water. I can down a bottle in like 30 sec. it’s that serious.
  • I can’t drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney at the same time. I can do one or the other or a little of both. But too many vices at once is asking for trouble.
  • Sex seems that much better when I’m high. And considering how great it is without, that’s really saying something. It may be all in my head… You now like those people who swear they’re sooo buzzed. But I really don’t think so.

* Names have been changed to protect the deviant
** Like a fish…
*** I had never been so hungry in my life. And we had to COOK the food. Which was a problem for two reasons.
One, we had to leave the room. Which meant opening the door. Which meant the stink eye from my roommates, who probably thought I was going to hell and really wasted no time sharing that with me after the fact.
Two, if you know like I know, when that hunger comes over you the last thing you wanna do is wait. So imagine if you will, four people, in a tiny kitchen, trying to cook one of those instant skillet meals. I’m sure the
theme music from Benny Hill as we went in and out of the kitchen to check on the food is what it would have playing.


Your two roommates were the definition of prude. It isn’t their fault. (It’s like republicans who preach morality at other politicians when those politicians get caught in a sex scandal..they take that stance cause it would never happen to them cause they get no offers.) They were dick repellent. They were not cute and they were built like sacks of potatoes (MUAHAHAHAHA). If someone wanted to smoke them out and fuck them silly they would be all for it. I don’t know how you could stand living with them. No one was lining up to fuck Betty either but she is example one that when someone offers she is going. That was the reason she wasn’t sure about her orientation. No one was tryin to fuck her either so she had to try other alternatives. She wasn’t cute enough to be as weird as she was and get away with it.

My first toke:

I had smoked a few times in high school but I didn’t get high. I really had no idea how smoking worked. I really wasn’t all that into it and I didn’t know what I was missing so it wasn’t a big deal to me. Plus my moms had a heightened sense of smell so it was best I didn’t mess with it like that. She could smell toast burning 5 miles away.

My first year in college I didn’t do anything, no drink no smoke. I was the guy that told you what you did the next day when woke up from a night of debauchery. I was the guy people wanted around cause I kept a level head. You have to have someone like that around. Everyone can’t be fucked up beyond recognition when you go out. Someone has to talk to the cops and tell the women “No they aren’t THAT drunk.”

My sophomore year I drank a lil bit but I was still on that model student citizen shit. The summer after my sophomore year was when I said fuck it. I was taking summer classes. Summer at school was boring as shit cause there was nothing at all going on in town and it was hot and very humid. The only thing people did was get fucked up and get on bored girls. One day I was chillin when one of my boys came thru and said “Hey man we goin to [Tommy’s] house to blow some blunts c’mon.” You see everyone assumed I was a smoker cause of how I dressed and acted. I don’t know if that was a good or bad thing. He didn’t ask if I smoked or if I even wanted to. So I went and before I knew it I was in a roomful of dudes I would be hangin out with alot in the next few years. I didn’t know how to roll, smoke or anything but I just acted like I did. I don’t know why this is but when it came to this I couldn’t admit I didn’t know shit about what was goin on. I was like Akeem from Coming to America – “I’m so happy to be here!”

Not long after I sat down at the table 4 blunts were in circulation among 8 dudes. Some people say you don’t get high the first time…that was bullshit for me. I got really high. Probly due to 4 blunts the air at once in rotation. Probly due to the fast rate at which blunts were being handed off. It seemed like as soon as I passed a blunt one was being handed to me. I had mere seconds to inhale actual oxygen. I don’t remember shit else about that day. I don’t remember all of the people that were there. I will always remember the cat that came and got me. He is one of my best friends to this day.

Weed – bringing people together to forget since ????

When I got high back in college I needed these things:

Snacks: Gummi Bears (Amazing Fruit is the best kind but I don’t know if they still make this brand). I would eat a bag of gummi bears till I felt sick. Starburst used to make Fruit Twists..god they were so good I miss them. Twizzlers Pull-N-Peel.

Drinks: Since I always went to a bodega-style store (these stores only sold beer and tobacco and everything you need or want when get hi and nothing else. Vice Squads could just arrest people for going in to these stores) to get blunts I drank alot of Faygo (Red was my favorite.), Nehi (Blue Cream or Peach) or any other offbrand soda they sold for like 35 cents. They came in all kinds of flavors no one else makes.

Video Games: Most times I got hi with my roommate. We would roll blunts and smoke while we played Golden Eye, then Perfect Dark and later Tekken. There is no greater feeling (excluding pussy…that is understood that pussy is greater) then getting high and playing these games for hours. If you have not done this or something similar (gamewise) you will not understand. I think that is a major reason why the video game industry is as big as it is today.

So that’s our story.

What’s yours…

DVD recommendations for today:

Half Baked
Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
Old School, Walk Hard
Smilie Faces
Grandma’s Boy
Office Space
Natural Born Killers
Pre-1980 Kung Fu movies (dubbed/subtitled)
My Name Is Earl
Always Sunny In Philadelphia

In the meantime, here’s something to enjoy…


~ by Deviant on April 20, 2008.

4 Responses to “Deviant’s Log, Stardate 0420200.8.”

  1. Ok, I’m not crazy (today) but I have to ask…am I seeing double? I have read your posts on other sites and I wondered to myself…which Deviant is writing? Then I realized that I was making the assumption that you are actually two people. Please shed some light on my confusion. 🙂

  2. Why would you think we were two people?

  3. To add to the previous post, for a couple minutes I thought this was about 3 people lol. But that may be my late celebration of said 420. If I’m not mistaken, the blue writing is a female and the red Addendum is a male reply to her along with his own story. I donno.

    But to get to the bottom of my story. My first couple times were nothing, but the one time I remember (or don’t remember if you want to put it that way) was when I was sixteen. Our town has a fair called Home-Comers (sounds dirty, I know. If only you knew what went on there ;])that was up at the time. My friend Chrissie was having a birthday party there, and it was lame and drama-filled, so a couple of us decided to ditch. We said we were going to the store to get ‘soda’ which really meant ‘Go to Holly’s house and get the joint.’ We are cruising around our rural back-roads (county cruising) and Holly sparks up the joint and passes it to Nicki, then me.

    This is at about sunset. It was where the sun was just starting to go over the trees. I take about four hits and the next thing I know it’s dark outside and we’re still driving around. The first thing that came out of my mouth is “Where the fuck are we and why the fuck are we still in this car?” They both look at me like I’m retarded and say it’s only been like five minutes since they threw the joint out. I start throwing a fit. Soon after that, we’re lost in a part of town that’s littered with random construction that no one ever seems to work on. Nicki’s stopping at stop signs that aren’t there, the glare from her headlights on the street signs seem be assaulting me from outside of the vehicle.

    Soon enough, though we’re back at the skate park where the party had apparently moved to. Word to the wise: Never, EVER, under any circumstances try to run up a half pipe while completely blazed. It just doesn’t work that way, and gravity is not on your side. I got blood all over Nicki’s car.

    Also, merry-go-rounds are fucking awesome, along with Doritos, and blue raspberry slushies.

  4. I love slushes of any kind
    Slurpees are the best. I mix all the flavors up
    I like Sonic too. My standard is the Strawberry Pineapple Cranberry Apple Powerade Slush. I might throw another flavor in there just to test them.
    You’re crazy for getting on a half pipe high.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: